The awakening process is not just about the horses, It's about the people too. I started out on this journey to help me horse, and I ended up helping me along the way. Now I'm trying to help me, and I'm trying to help the horses. I believe that part of this process is learning how to become honest with yourself. A lot of it for me is realizing and acknowledging what I am feeling. It's hard when society expects you to overcome these emotions, to discount them, and to discredit them as a part of life that needs to be mastered. We, as people, are seen as weak or even psychotic if we can not 'control' our emotions.
For me a huge part of the awakening process has been learning that it's really Okay to feel these things. It's okay to react with sadness, or anger, or complete and utter joy to any given situation. It's learning that it's okay to feel all the negative and postive. I Believe part of it is learning to feel these things, but at the same time distancing yourself from them. Learning that they are what they are, and just as time passes, they too will pass. You can't control them, not really. You can try and try and try. Medication, Meditation, whatever it takes, but eventually they will all build up and explode out of you. You wont be ready for that.
It's been interesting, being honest with myself. It's easier as it goes along, but I still have trouble being honest with others. Once you let go of the ego and the pride you don't judge yourself as harshly as you used to. I've reached that point, and perhaps the next step is being honest with others. I don't know if I can expect honesty in return, but part of this is letting go of the expectations. I must have faith that the people who I need to do this with will present themselves when I need them to be presented. For right now, I'm practicing being honest with myself, and honest with my Horses.
Now, First time I did that was... interesting, to say the least. It felt odd to me to be talking out loud to my horse about my issues, my feelings, and a situation I'd been having trouble with. I actually felt kinda retarded, but that was just my old social mind rearing it's not-so gone head yet again. I felt better after I did it.
Part of this Honesty thing is learning to feel emotion as it comes along. They've been so repressed for so long that every single one is new and intense. I feel as though I almost radiate with emotion, as if walking around in a sphere of feeling. It's both positive and negative. When I'm happy I'm filled with a radiating and supreme bliss. When I'm Lonley, I radiate with a supreme lonliness. I'm learning to feel these emotions, but at the same time not to focus to intently on them. To not make them worse, or better, I'm just focusing on feeling. I am finding myself understanding that maybe I'm not meant to understand any of this other then, hopefully, at the end I will be a better version of my self for doing it. It's all about balance. The perfect paradox of the universe; Remaining so much in balance that one is completely awake, and completely detached all at the same time.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Success!!
What a day yesterday! The horseshow went great, and I can say with great confidence that Arik was the most relaxed, happiest horse there. The equittation class, which was our first of the day, went amazing. Arik was soft, happy and uber responsive. We where given a pattern (Trot down the long side, pick up a left lead canter and commence a figure of eight with your choice of simple or flying changes, return to the judge and halt.) Arik nailed it, I've never had simple changes that where that smooth before. He was so responsive!
Next we had a couple hour break and then a 2'3" hunter class, which wasn't as smooth. I had put his bridle on him, as it is a requirement for hunter. He wasn't jumping all that well, and he ducked out on the #5 fence. I decided after that it was the bridle (we never jump in one because arik doesn't like it, usually using a rope halter, or a hackamore) so I ran back to the trailer and switched to his Hackamore before the next class, which was a 2'6" hunter course. He nailed the course and placed 4th out of 19! Next we had another break, where we watched pole bending over in the western ring. Then came our 2'6" jumper class, He blew the course out of the water, not even looking at the fences that where making older, more experienced horses freak out. We where the first of the class to make it to the jump off, and ended up being only one pair of three who did. After one rail in the jump off, we placed third out of 14 riders. Next came our last class of the day, the 2'9" jumper course. Again Arik nailed the course, again jumping the jumps that had other horses going nuts. (I might mention too, that he had never jumped an entire course at this height before.) Again we where the first team to make it to the jump off (Only one other team made it!). He went clear. I could feel him lagging a bit, so we took it easy, but he jumped his heart out for me and we ended up placing second! It was such a great experience for both of us, and really confirms in my mind that we are on the right path. I think we have both found our passion in the rough and tumble jumper ring, where you can wing it and still make it! We are looking forward to the next adventure!
Next we had a couple hour break and then a 2'3" hunter class, which wasn't as smooth. I had put his bridle on him, as it is a requirement for hunter. He wasn't jumping all that well, and he ducked out on the #5 fence. I decided after that it was the bridle (we never jump in one because arik doesn't like it, usually using a rope halter, or a hackamore) so I ran back to the trailer and switched to his Hackamore before the next class, which was a 2'6" hunter course. He nailed the course and placed 4th out of 19! Next we had another break, where we watched pole bending over in the western ring. Then came our 2'6" jumper class, He blew the course out of the water, not even looking at the fences that where making older, more experienced horses freak out. We where the first of the class to make it to the jump off, and ended up being only one pair of three who did. After one rail in the jump off, we placed third out of 14 riders. Next came our last class of the day, the 2'9" jumper course. Again Arik nailed the course, again jumping the jumps that had other horses going nuts. (I might mention too, that he had never jumped an entire course at this height before.) Again we where the first team to make it to the jump off (Only one other team made it!). He went clear. I could feel him lagging a bit, so we took it easy, but he jumped his heart out for me and we ended up placing second! It was such a great experience for both of us, and really confirms in my mind that we are on the right path. I think we have both found our passion in the rough and tumble jumper ring, where you can wing it and still make it! We are looking forward to the next adventure!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
The Morning of
The Day is finally here. I'm filled with a nervous anticipation, I wonder if this ever goes away? Part of me hopes so, and part of me hopes not. It's just after 5 am, we are scheduled for take off in approimately 40 mins. I've been away since 3:30, unable to sleep.
While attempting to fall back asleep this morning, I expereinced a deep, almost surreal calm. I believe at that moment, in a moment of almost surreal conscienceness, I had hacked in unintentionally to the equine psychy, Or maybe Arik was projecting it to me. I felt a great sense of belonging, of herd, and most of me was suddenly calm, except for the tiny part that was, and had been, freaking out all night long. What can I say, sometimes it is hard to move past all those old pretenses.
So off we go to show today, It doesn't matter if we win. That's been hard to let go of. But Truly it doesn't. We are going to have fun, to explore, to go together on a new adventure.
While attempting to fall back asleep this morning, I expereinced a deep, almost surreal calm. I believe at that moment, in a moment of almost surreal conscienceness, I had hacked in unintentionally to the equine psychy, Or maybe Arik was projecting it to me. I felt a great sense of belonging, of herd, and most of me was suddenly calm, except for the tiny part that was, and had been, freaking out all night long. What can I say, sometimes it is hard to move past all those old pretenses.
So off we go to show today, It doesn't matter if we win. That's been hard to let go of. But Truly it doesn't. We are going to have fun, to explore, to go together on a new adventure.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Come What May
The horses have been in the process of teaching me a valuable lesson. It goes something along the lines of 'Have faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to' with a little bit of 'just relax and appreciate it as it comes'. It's been a very interesting lesson indeed, and might I say, a real breath of fresh air! It's very freeing, going to barn, or going to work with these horses and not feeling like I have to get anything done, or have an agenda, or have expectations, I can just go and be me. And the horses can just be themselves. There is very little stress.
They have been showing me how much they are learning, all on their own, Like one client's horse, who has been learning to deal with his anxiety, and how to develop more emotional control. Last session I was basically along for the ride. He picked the pattern, he picked the speed. He picked the areas that he needed to work on, namely the in and out door to the arena. For a couple weeks we have been having major anxiety when we come close to the door, basically we would come up to it, relaxed and stretching and then we would get to a certain point and he would almost hold his breath and rush past it as fast as he could. When he got to the other side out of the 'danger zone' he would breath a big sigh and go back to working on his stretching, almost as if to say, "Phew okay, it missed me that time!" During this session, he decided that this is what he needed to work on, so he would work himself up to trotting past the door. I was getting very plainly that this was something he needed to do, and that I was not to interfere. (It went something along the lines of 'you're along for the ride now missy, so you'd better just accept that.' ) So away he went, working on working on his anxiety. He would work himself up and go for it, only to decide he couldn't do it at the last minute, then he would circle, bring his energy back down and then try again. (on a funny side note, I had been working with him the previous session on how to use circles to bring his energy level down) Eventually he got himself to the point where he could trot nice and quiet, and stretched down, right past the door as if it wasn't even there. It's amazing to me, just almost mind boggling, on how preceptive these horses are, and how much they WANT to change and help themselves. So much to the point that they are putting themselves out there to try and work through it. It's so so so cool to see that when the force comes out of it, the offer comes in.
They have been showing me how much they are learning, all on their own, Like one client's horse, who has been learning to deal with his anxiety, and how to develop more emotional control. Last session I was basically along for the ride. He picked the pattern, he picked the speed. He picked the areas that he needed to work on, namely the in and out door to the arena. For a couple weeks we have been having major anxiety when we come close to the door, basically we would come up to it, relaxed and stretching and then we would get to a certain point and he would almost hold his breath and rush past it as fast as he could. When he got to the other side out of the 'danger zone' he would breath a big sigh and go back to working on his stretching, almost as if to say, "Phew okay, it missed me that time!" During this session, he decided that this is what he needed to work on, so he would work himself up to trotting past the door. I was getting very plainly that this was something he needed to do, and that I was not to interfere. (It went something along the lines of 'you're along for the ride now missy, so you'd better just accept that.' ) So away he went, working on working on his anxiety. He would work himself up and go for it, only to decide he couldn't do it at the last minute, then he would circle, bring his energy back down and then try again. (on a funny side note, I had been working with him the previous session on how to use circles to bring his energy level down) Eventually he got himself to the point where he could trot nice and quiet, and stretched down, right past the door as if it wasn't even there. It's amazing to me, just almost mind boggling, on how preceptive these horses are, and how much they WANT to change and help themselves. So much to the point that they are putting themselves out there to try and work through it. It's so so so cool to see that when the force comes out of it, the offer comes in.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
The Road Less Traveled By
Waking up the morning after I turned 20, and it hits me. I've reached another decade in my life, another important milestone has come and gone with little in the way of fan fare or celebration, it just quietly snuck by. I awoke today thinking of the last year, how much I have learned about myself, and how much I still have to learn. I was talking with my mom yesterday and it becomes farily overwhelming when I begin to think about the pretenses and stereotypes in society. Perhaps it would be easier to just go along with them, but then that has never been me. I've always chosen the harder road, perhaps it is the challenge that appeals to me, perhaps I'm just overly curious and would rather struggle, concour, get just plain flattened and rise again, then sweep by easy. Perhaps traveling the path less traveled I am giving myself the convidence to say 'Yes, I lived my life. Lived it the best that I can.'
The last 10 years have been a time of trial and error, like I am sure they are in everyone's life. Learning to deal with things as they are thrown at you, and yet still trying to define who you are and what you want. You're a small fish in a very large ocean, full of sharks. You do what you need to to survive, or you swim around and pretend that there isn't a great white ready to devour you around the next corner. For me, this seemingly 'drowning in the ocean' only really stopped once I graduated from highschool. All of a sudden I had me. Just me, no friends, no peers, no pressure. What did I want? What did I need? Who Was I???
The last year especially has been a huge portion of the journey to defining who I am. A rather appropriate metaphor came to me yesterday. I suddenly pictured my life like an onion. There are so many layers, so many pretenses, false presumptions, so many masks and faces that you have to peal back. Eventually, after you peal back all these layers you get to the heart. The true you. Your true self. All things that I had been taught to assume, or told to expect, all the things that I had seen and done are all flying out the window. You have to live, and appreciate each layer as it comes off, perhaps so you know what you do not need anymore, perhaps so you can appreciate where you have been, and now look forward to where you will go. For me the horses are a huge part of this peel process. They have pointed me in every direction, started the process of peeling off every layer. Some days I feel very... naked... vulnerable. Having to see everything so honestly is not easy, but I know I am stronger, a better person for it. Now I am able to look forward to the next years. Defining who I am, living who I am, truly walking this path I am on.
The Road not Taken
by Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as far,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less travled by,
And that has made all the difference.
The last 10 years have been a time of trial and error, like I am sure they are in everyone's life. Learning to deal with things as they are thrown at you, and yet still trying to define who you are and what you want. You're a small fish in a very large ocean, full of sharks. You do what you need to to survive, or you swim around and pretend that there isn't a great white ready to devour you around the next corner. For me, this seemingly 'drowning in the ocean' only really stopped once I graduated from highschool. All of a sudden I had me. Just me, no friends, no peers, no pressure. What did I want? What did I need? Who Was I???
The last year especially has been a huge portion of the journey to defining who I am. A rather appropriate metaphor came to me yesterday. I suddenly pictured my life like an onion. There are so many layers, so many pretenses, false presumptions, so many masks and faces that you have to peal back. Eventually, after you peal back all these layers you get to the heart. The true you. Your true self. All things that I had been taught to assume, or told to expect, all the things that I had seen and done are all flying out the window. You have to live, and appreciate each layer as it comes off, perhaps so you know what you do not need anymore, perhaps so you can appreciate where you have been, and now look forward to where you will go. For me the horses are a huge part of this peel process. They have pointed me in every direction, started the process of peeling off every layer. Some days I feel very... naked... vulnerable. Having to see everything so honestly is not easy, but I know I am stronger, a better person for it. Now I am able to look forward to the next years. Defining who I am, living who I am, truly walking this path I am on.
The Road not Taken
by Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as far,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less travled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Yawning; It's Good for the Soul!
Today was a big day in Kolina and Arik ville. This was the first time Arik ever yawned for me. He's never been big on it, and today, much to my surprise, we had not only a yawn, but a yawnfest. Once Arik started, Farrah joined in, and we had a nice, peaceful, stress release.
So, you might be thinking... "Yawning, so what, who cares, they're just tierd right?" In reality it has nothing to do with being tierd. People yawn to get more oxygen to their brains, this helps battle weariness, or exhaustion. Horses yawn to release stress, horses yawn when they are 100% comfortable, when everything in their world is right. Yawning is a huge deal for a horse. It's like the ultimate 'ah ha!' moment, where everything clicks into place. If you have been around a horse and he or she starts yawning, feel honored, feel very honored. Yawning is a step up from the lick and chew, which is a great sign to look for in regards to understanding and acceptance.
So, you might be thinking... "Yawning, so what, who cares, they're just tierd right?" In reality it has nothing to do with being tierd. People yawn to get more oxygen to their brains, this helps battle weariness, or exhaustion. Horses yawn to release stress, horses yawn when they are 100% comfortable, when everything in their world is right. Yawning is a huge deal for a horse. It's like the ultimate 'ah ha!' moment, where everything clicks into place. If you have been around a horse and he or she starts yawning, feel honored, feel very honored. Yawning is a step up from the lick and chew, which is a great sign to look for in regards to understanding and acceptance.
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