The Power of Preception

I'm on the next stage of the journey, the part where I truly believe that I am learning that preception is everything. How you precieve the world is how the world is, at least to you. If you go in only looking for the bad, the negative, the 'wrong' in the world that is what attaches itself to you, sticks to your soul and colors your vision. When you go in looking for the beauty and the grace and the light, sure you might 'overlook' the darkness, or maybe, just maybe, you just realize that even in darkness, even in negativity, there is a certain kind of beauty. It's phenominal to me how different the world looks through different sets of eyes. So, how do you see it? Will you precieve only the 'bad' and none of the 'good', or will you search for the balance in all things and realize that there is no 'good' or 'bad' that things just are. There is beauty and there is truth and there is honesty. And there is also none of those things at all. What color will you create your tinted glasses?

Things the Horses have Taught Me

I have learned so many lessons over the years from the horses, but it has only been in the last year, when I have be able to stop, shutup and really listen to them, that I have learned the most. It has not been an easy journey, but on the same hand, it has not been a hard journey. It has been a journey that involved everyone, and a journey that involved only me and my horse. It has been a pardox of life, and a realization of balance. The horses are my teachers, they are my guides, and they are my partners.

Important Life Lessons, as Taught by Horses

by Kolina Crowe

Love Unconditionally, with your whole heart. Completely and irrevocably. Do not be afraid to love with all that you are. Allow yourself to feel and experience love and all of it's emotions.

It is okay to feel. It is okay to open up those dark corners of your self, to grieve, to relive them and to find closure in letting them go. It is okay to heal. You will not fall, for even while you are down, I will hold you up.

Trust in yourself, trust in your methods and trust in this journey. Trust that all things work out, that all things have a purpose, and that all actions and happenings have a reason.

Let go of your past, it is time to look ahead to the future. Some paths meet and continue on together. Some paths are destened to only to cross. Either way, these meetings will alter you if you allow them to. They allow you to grow, and show you parts of the journey that you could not see alone. They will come to a beautiful end, but even that, in its self, is a part of the journey.

Live with Patience, some things need to work themselves out. You can not rush or hurry that which is meant to be.  

Allow yourself to live in the moment, forget control, forget ego, forget pride, forget expectation, forget agenda. Be Your Self in this moment, and in all moments.

Change is essential to all things. Change allows us to grow. Change allows us to realize our own potential. Without Change, there would be no Journey.

'journey'

Deciding to Move On

For those of you who know me personally, you know that Scooby (9 year old sport horse Gelding) and I have been on a profound journey together. You also know that at the begining of this all, we agreed that this journey was a temporary fixture, meant as a catalyst to help Scooby to find his true place in this world, and his person to help him do it. About three weeks ago Scooby decided that he was ready to find his person. He decided that our Journey together was coming to an end and that it was time for both of us to continue on our seperate journies. It was almost scary how well things worked out, I posted Scooby for sale with an ad of what he was looking for specifically in his 'forever' human partner. The first and only lady that responded, was the first and only lady who came to look at him. At first I was apprehensive. She seemed loud, boisterous, almost over the top. Not what I expected. Definately not what I thought Scoob would want, but I decided to give her the bennifit of the doubt. Obviously Scooby knew what he was doing, and why he had inadvertantly called this woman here. "Just trust it." Again, with the trust. We had to wait for about an hour while the woman's retreat finished up in the arena, and it gave us time to talk. Although she had a crusty, loud boisterous exterior, inside she was that excited little girl who was shopping for her pony. She had a deep love and respect for the horses, but was not inclined to treat them as anything but horses. I began to see why Scooby had picked her. As we talked more and more, the pieces seem to keep clicking and clicking and clicking into place. I'll admit I was still apprehensive. All those old 'What ifs?' came rearing up. I was reluctant to admit that he would be better off where he wanted to be. I was reluctant to acknowledge the fact that I felt a need to control where he went, how he went and who he went with. I got a little caught up in the old stuff.  Scooby had decided that he wanted his person, now all we needed was for her to decide that she also wanted him. This is a big decision, and it took her a few weeks to make it, but finally she did. She told me that it just 'felt right' and that she knew when she came to look at him that 'he was the one' but she just wanted to make sure. I could relate to all of that. Yesterday she came to pick him up. I had told Scooby two days before that he was going to his new home on Sunday. On Sunday morning he was waiting. Happy, soft and completely relaxed. He was ready to go, impatiently shoving his head in the halter, and practically dragging my friend Amber all the way down to the barn. While in the barn he continuously looked out the windows, still relaxed and happy, looking for something (or someone!). When she finally arrived he couldn't wait to get on the trailer, trying to get on before the doors where even open all the way. All of this just proves to me, or rather, re-confirms in my mind, that horses DO have an understanding of what is going on. They DO know when things are happening, and they DO expereince emotions along with those events. If we where so deluded about this aspect of it, what else are we missing??

The Next Step For Scooby

I'm not really sure what I want to write on today, there's nothing that says I have to, but I sure would like to! There's so many ideas for post topics, so many things that I could touch on, try to explain, or even just offer personal insight on. Today, tho, they can't figure out which one wants to step forward and volunteer. So, until they decide, I'll just tell you about my very cool expereince with my boys yesterday.
I've mentioned Scooby before in previous posts, He's a 9 year old Sport Horse Gelding in search of his soul. Arik, my 6 year old Warmblood, is a confident journey facilitator. Arik and Scooby have been working together and for the last five days, since Arik arrived back at Liberty, they have been working hard on something. They are basically attached at the hip, going everywhere and doing everything together. Usually they are off a distance from the herd just quietly grazing together. I've been bringing them in together, we've been going into the Arena and simply enjoying being together. A couple days I had friends come with me, One, Amber, was having a hard day and Arik took it upon himself to help her work through it. There was a lot of yawning and quiet energy that day. That same day, Scooby came in and was angry, sad, I'd almost say depressed looking, he simply followed Arik around and stood in his energy, letting it go.
So anyways, they've been coming in together, and working together on lots of stuff. They've been helping Max, a clients horse, get over his over the top anger issues, and they've been helping each other with something profound. Yesterday I go out to get them, intending to bring only Arik in for some one on one time, but Scoob isn't having any of this. He walks with us all the way to the gate, not once stopping, not once looking back. I don't have another halter, but it's obvious that he feels he needs to come in. I need to trust that he knows what he is doing. The old stuff starts to come up a little bit. In the old stuff you do NOT take your horse anywhere unless he's on a halter and proporly secured. It takes a lot for me to open that gate and let him out, but I do it. He comes all the way in, all by himself. He eats his grain, standing, untied, unhaltered and completely free in the hallway. He comes into the arena to play on his own free will, with the big door to back outside, and his herd, open behind him. That, my friends, is such an amazing experience. That, my friends, is what time and patience allows the horses to offer. That, my friends, is simply, breathtakingly profound.

Beautiful Sunset

Allowance

Allowance is an important concept on the road of the spiritaul journey. Allowing things to just be as they are is probably one of the most difficult things to do. It begins inside, within you, as you are. It begins with Honesty. Honesty with yourself is the first step to allowance. Honesty must be obtained in all things, your thoughts, actions, way of existing. You must be willing to allow things to have an honest purpose, whether they are precieved as good or bad, positive or negative. With honesty comes acceptance. Acceptance for these things as they are, acceptance that we cannot control, we cannot force, we cannot bind or hinder the purpose of things. We cannot decide why things are as they are, we cannot decide what things should be. After we have fully accepted honesty, and acceptance, we can then move onto allowance. This is different then acceptance. In allowance we go above accepting things as they are, and actually give them full permission to be as they are, for the purpose they are. We allow everything to be within its purpose, we allow the control to dissipate, we allow the things that are meant for us to resonate within us, we allow change to occur, we allow balance and enlightenment to begin. 

Change vs. Control

Relationships change. That's the amazing beauty and wonder of them. Sometimes, we don't want them to change. Some times we like to hang onto them, cling to what they where, because we are so terrified of what they will become, or what we will become, if we allow them to change. Friendship changes. Love Changes. Conflict Changes. But what does this change look like? I don't honestly think that anyone can truly answer that. Change is so different on so many different levels that how each person precieves it affects what it looks like in their eyes. People who believe change is good will be more likely to see it in a positive light, with a positive outcome, no matter how difficult the situation is. People who 'hate' or 'dislike' change will rarely ever see it in a positive light. Their veiw and opinion will be marked by negativity, their perception always shadowed by darkness. I believe that change, and your opinion on it, goes back to control. How much control do you believe you have? How much control do you need to believe you have? Control is a funny thing, It gets people so hyped up on having it, gets them addicted, and then one moment in their lives takes it all away. They are left with nothing but this feeling of 'spiraling out of control'. (funny how that works!) So what do they do? They Grab at it, hectically. They can't let it go, but they have trouble seeing that they never had it in the first place. I believe that control is illusive. It's like the mythical Unicorn, a thing of legend. We have all these people taping horns onto their horses' forheads and then becoming dissappointed, even dangerously so, when they discover that all along it was 'just a horse'. So what happens if just allow 'horses to be horses', for lack of a better word, and stop trying to make them all into unicorns? It's the paradox of Control. You give it all up, just to gain it. Not that you gain control by giving up control, you gain something better. You gain understanding. Understanding that things work out for the best. The Understanding that if you stop trying to grab at something, and just allow it to be, it will find you. We spend so much time searching for the things that we had all along. Happiness, love, understanding. if we stop trying to control it all, stop trying to grab at it, stop fantisizing over it and making it into this huge, unobtainable concept, we just might find it. They say that all things in life are simple, perhaps they are.
Giving up control is a terrifiying concept. People are honestly afraid of it. We are taught from a small age to 'control' everything. Control your emotions, Control your thoughts, Control your words, Control your Personality, Control yourself, Control your dog, Control your horse, Control, Control, Control... You get the point...the list goes on and on and on. Giving it up, is like asking a herion addict to give up herion. You have to first allow them to discover that they need to change. You can preach and preach until the cows come home, you can show them life without it, you can allow them to glimpse a breif expereince into living with spiritual awareness, but you can not force them to change. People cannot truly accept change until they are ready to change, and change requires a release of control. It's not an easy road. Just as some drug addicts are prone to relapse, so are people who are releasing control.
Once we release control we gain the understanding that we need to allows things to be as they are. We need to live in the moment as we are, and allow other beings to do the same. In doing so, you will find the true stable ground that your former friend contorl elluded so nicely to.

Looking for Beauty

My challenge this week for all of you who read this is to take a moment to truly appreciate the beauty around you. Find something, or many things, every day that allow you to truly focus on just being alive. Apprieciate the small things, like the birds chirping, a frog singing, a moment of perfect silence. Notice the moon rising over the horizon, the way the sunlight boucnes off the clouds at the begining and again at the end of the day, allow yourself to become completely entranced in the utter beauty of a clear night sky, or the way a river rolls over rocks. When you find this moment, stop, breath deeply and take it all in. Your goal in this challenge is to truly feel the beauty of the moment. Become engrossed. Let go of the worries, pretenses, facts and fictions and just be. This is your moment, or moments, in the day to simply be alive in yourself and for yourself.
Try it on, and see how it feels. As for me, I'm off to appreiciate my life, and enjoy a nice cup of tea, under a breath-takingly beautiful night sky. Happy Being!

Active vs. Passive Meditation

In my last post I touched breifly on the two types of meditation that I have experienced while working with the horses, and a session this week with a client's new horse brought up the idea of explaining it.
What is Passive Meditation? and then of course, What is Active Meditation?
Passive Meditation is the term that I use to describe the meditation time spent with a horse that focuses on breathing and body awareness. It is the time that you take to learn how to simply 'be' in an energetic and spiritual relationship with both your horse and with your true self. It is learning that it is okay to be whoever you are and that it is okay to feel emotions. It is taking the time to realize what exactly it is you are feeling. Passive Meditation is not really passive at all, but because it is pysically non-demanding, I have chosen to call it this. In Passive Meditation it's a lot of just breathing with the horse. It's getting your's and your horses' energies in sync so that you can draw on that bond later on in the process. I usually find a quiet place where there is no distractions,  most of the time it's with another horse/owner combination. We use deep belly breathing, and just allow things to be as they are in the moment. We 'think like a horse' and take everything they, and our own selves are sending us at face value. We demean nothing, we discount nothing. Everything we experience is important in its self.
The next type of Meditation I have noticed is Active Meditation. I use this to describe the meditation form we use to 'let it all out'. That is, all the things we have brought to the surface with our passive meditation now need to be released so we can truly begin the healing process. It usually involves some form of pysical release, that is yawning, stretching, crying, laughing, whatever. In the same way as passive meditation, we can not discount anything that we feel in the process. Your horse may project on to you and you may need to help him/her release the emotion, or it can be your horse helping you to work through your own emotions. Either way it is a precious gift for both of you.
These meditation forms go hand in hand with each other and I have come to recognize that you can not have one with out the other. You can not have active mediation, or release, without realizing what it is that you need to release. In the same way, you can not truly begin the healing process in yourself, or in your horses, until you realize exactly what it is that needs to be worked through.
This can be a rocky road. Usually it envolves going deep into those shadowy, spooky closets that we closed so tightly years ago in responce to anger, greif, ect. It is the place where we supress our selves and we never want to visit. It invloves reopening festering, half-healed wounds, literally flushing out the negativity and the hurtful energy, so that they can begin to heal proporly. It's terrifying traveling down that road and not knowing where, or how, you will end up. Usually we are not willing to do this for ourselves. We like to 'leave well enough alone', even if it hampers our ability to function on an emotional and spiritual level. Thankfully, some of us are willing to do it for others, whether it be a child, a friend, or in this case, our horses, we are traveling down that road with an intent to help them and in doing so, we are unknowingly helping ourselves as well.
For me personally, it began as a journey to help my horse, until I realized that he wasn't really the one who needed the help. We needed to be on this journey together for me, to allow me to heal, to allow me to let go, and most of all to allow me to realize how to exist in the moment, how to appreciate the gifts in life, and how to be ok while at one with myself and the universe.

Allowing Yourself to Just 'be'

I had a very cool experience with a client's mare last weekend that I thought was well granted for sharing. But first, for better story apprieciation I will start at the begining with a little bit of history...
'Dream' (or 'Magic', as Cathy calls her) is an 11 year old Morgan mare who came for some rehab for physical and emotional stuff. We've got the physical stuff all sorted out, thanks to Blaine, our awesome Chiropractor, and we are now working through the emotional tangles. Once the physical pain is gone, it takes a bit of convincing on your part that things are not going to hurt any more. In most cases, and this is Dream's case as well, the pain has been around for years. It's becomes not only expected, but the responce to anything that caused pain in the first place becomes a reflex responce. So it comes down to you're not only re-programming the brain, you're also reprogramming neuro pathways of the nervous system to associate good feelings and not pain with an action. So with Dream it started with removing the source of the pain, then working through some anger and defensive issues, and then going back to showing her that it didn't hurt, it actually felt good. So how do you work through the emotional stuff? I use a combination of Liberty and on-line work, most days it really honestly to the outside eye looks like nothing, but it almost becomes a form of meditation with the horses. So far in my experiences I've noticed two kinds of this meditation that the horses are willing to offer. One is 'Passive' and one is 'active'. In 'Passive' you sit in their energy with them and just breathe. Things are as they are, you learn to live in the moment, to appreciate things, and eventually you begin being able to 'just let go'. Once you reach this stage you then move into the 'active' meditation, that is, the phase of awareness where you can actually let go of those emotions. This usually involves physical movement, most times in the horses it's licking and chewing, stretching and/or yawning, but sometimes they need to actually move their feet and take you somewhere. Sometimes we are helping them release, and sometimes they are helping us. So this meditation is step one. Sometimes this takes weeks to achieve. Sometimes horses who are already self-aware, it takes only minutes. After you've reached this stage you can then being introducing liberty work. That is, turning the horse loose in a big area, usually an arena, and working with them on their terms. This allows them to fully choose to interact with you and every interaction is on their terms, they have the power to leave you and you have the power to leave them if either of you so choose. For my liberty work I use a combination of a few techniques, mixed in with my own. Most prevalent influences would have to be Carolyn Resnick (http://www.carolynresnickblog.com/) and Carl Reil, a local horse guru from my childhood. I also use a bit of Parelli, Monty Roberts and other training greats including Tommy Dorrance and Ray Hunt. Anyways, getting into that would be an entire novel on it's own... So after the Meditation you move onto the libery work. Once you establish a relationship with the horse using these two, you can move to riding. With Dream, I've spent the last month and a half simply meditating with her and doing liberty work. Yesterday she finally allowed me to ride her and it is an experience I will never forget. We started slowly, with some liberty work, companion walking and just enjoying being in each other's energy. After a while I put the halter back on and we went over to the mounting block. Dream remained happy and relaxed through all of this, which told me that we where ready for the next step. I got on the mounting block, up and down a couple times, like we have been working on. Still she was relaxed and happy, content to just 'be' there in the moment, in the good emotion. Finally I just slid onto her back. She took a few steps forward in almost a rushed, angry energy, so I say calmly and asked her to 'woah' using my voice. We then sat in quiet content for about five minutes. Then finally, when she had brought her energy back down, we proceeded to walk around the arena a few times in each direction. Finally, we stopped, and I could feel that she was projecting something at me, although I could not tell entirely what it was. I had this odd feeling to just take the halter off, and allow her to just be there with me, in that moment, of her own free choice. I'd never had this urge before with any horse other then Arik, whom I trust completely, so I was a bit nervous. I reached down and took the halter off, and to give my panicing false self a bit of a rest, left a neck rope on her. We then proceeded to walk around the arena for another 20 mins, completely in harmony and completely happy. We where content to just 'be' as we where, and as the world went on around us.

Patience... is it really a virtue?

So I'm sure most of you know the old saying 'Patience is a Virtue'. I'm pretty sure growing up, it was one of my parent's favorites. I always wondered what it meant. What is a 'virtue'? From what I always understood it is something that you have, or don't have, that other people admire. I think the key there was you either have it, or you don't. Making something a virtue certainly makes people strive to achieve it. Like Patience, our topic of the day. You're 5 years old and bouncing off the edge of your seat... ("Are we There yet???")... and your parents reply with some version of "no, not yet, you asked me that three seconds ago. You know Johnny, Patience is a virtue."
So coming back to working with the horses, I'd have to say in my experience, patience is not a virtue. Yes, of course, some horses have it and some horses don't, but they can all learn it. For that reason I'm now defining patience as a skill and not as a virtue. From a more personal perspective, horses will teach you patience. I'm not saying it's an easy skill to learn, because some days it's not. When you're energy is moving a hundred kilometers an hour and your mind is bouncing off the wall in another time-space dimension, it's really hard to focus. Some days this is pretty typical for us ADD people. Horses experience the same thing, and usually the younger they are, the worse this is. So if patience has now become a skill, how do we teach it?
Honestly, with patience. If you are able to set the example for your horse of how you would like him/her to react then eventually they will take your lead. It's a bit of a nasty circle sometimes. Horses as herd animals are so intune to other beings around them, whether that be other horses, or us as people. They pick up on so much that we can not even being to understand. Have you ever had one of 'those days'? The days where life just comes crashing down and your world seems like it's about to fall apart? It's on those days that you think a nice relaxing ride with your equine friend will make it all better but when you get out to the barn your horse seems to be in exactly the same mood that you are? There is only one common denominator between his bad mood and yours and that is you. Chances are he's picking it all up from you. Not that horses don't have bad days, because they do, but they have this amazing ability to undertake the emotional climate around them. They are empaths on the most amazing level. They not only feel the emotions of everything around them, they usually become the eomotions. It's a deep rooted survial tactic, you see it in most herd-based prey animals with a big flight instinct. Not only are they extremely sensative to all that surrounds them pysically, the awakened horse is intune to all levels of emotional and spiritual climates as well. So linking this back to our topic of the day; Teach Patience with Patience. Understand that it may take your horse a while to get something, but all the time that you put in to 'waiting it out' will come back to you in the end, and it will come back with a stronger, more willing horse leading the way.
On the other side of things, I always have to think of what the horse feels and thinks. After all, here we have this amazing creature of beauty, power and just overall awesomeness, and we are constantly expecting them to interact on our level. It comes back to the speaking german analogy. Your horse is speaking German, in three different dialects, all at the same time, and we humans are speaking plain old english. Infact most of the time we are speaking so much english that we miss the german all together and interpret the things we do hear as something completely out of context. Fortunately, or unfortunately, for us horses are intune with our own deeply buried german speaking parts, if you will. This creates in them a willingness to try and speak english for us, if we come in with a valuable reason why they should. Most of the time, in traditional training techniques, this comes in from a discipline area. 'If you don't do this, I will let you know you did it wrong'. This is the survival instinct of the herd, which is why horses respond so well to negative training techniques. If your horse does something that is not acceptable in his society, that is; if he is rude, not paying attention to other herd members, or doing something else that could endanger the well being of the whole herd, he is reprimanded. So is the reason why he responds when we say 'NO!'. Unfortunately, with this situation it is so easy to get into a dominating way of training, and very rarely are us humans ever willing to take a step back and learn to speak German. So many times we see the horse as 'just a horse', not as an individual with emotions and feelings, spiritual awareness, ect. So what happens when we cross that brigde? when we take that step back and allow the horse to teach us? Now we are truly learning to be horse-people. We are learning how to speak three kinds of german simultaneously. Most of the time we suck at it, but the horses are patient teachers, and in being so they teach us to be patient with ourselves.

How do you Define your Spirituality?

So I'm finding myself pondering lately of what my definition of spirituality is. How do I see it? What does it mean to me?
By spirituality I do not mean religion. I am not a religious person. I have this overly exaggerated opinion that religion is the cause for most of the problems in world, but we wont get into that right now. By Spirituality I mean your beliefs, what are we, as humans, capable of. How are we interconnected to the universe? What are we capable of understanding and comprehending? Basically, What are our Limits? or maybe more appropriately, do we have any? and of course the timeless question; Is There a God?
So that's my question for the day. What is Spitituality to me?

Learning How to Draw the Line

So an experience with a client's horse today gave me the idea for this lovely blog entry. It is, when training from an emotional perspective, where do you draw the line between what you should and shouldn't do? Where is that perfect balance that allows you to give the horse a voice without losing your own?
Thats a good question. Usually I tell people to just listen to their guts, or their instincts, but sometimes this can be really difficult. So much in everyday life we repress these feelings, or rationalize them away. It takes a lot of training to get people to listen to them again. Repressing them has become a reflex, as countless times a day all of us are put into situations that we probably don't want to be in.
It's taken a lot for me to start listening to this. Usually I get into a situation that my gut will warn me about, and then end up backing out later, realizing that "hey, yeah, I guess I should have just listened to that in the first place". It's a steep learning curve because you're not only reprogramming yourself to listen to yourself, you're retraining your mind to move away from that False self, yet again. And You are the only person who can teach yourself this. That means you have no coach on the sidelines yelling at you to 'Put your heels down' so to speak. And, just like learning to ride, you need a fair few reminders on what to do, and when to do it, but after a lot of practice, it almost becomes second nature.
Anyways, back to the topic of the day. How do you draw the line? I'm talking in particularily about the line of knowing when the horse has had enough, and when you, as the rider, handler, whatever, have pushed too far. This pushing too far is what creates those 'shut down' horses I've talked about in earlier posts. These are the horses that learn to dissassociate their minds from their bodies. They learn to cope with the 'too far' usually by leaving. Then, we, as the not-so-intune handlers think that the horse has decided to co-operate. So, from an emotional perspective, what does drawing the line look like? Usually, it means just putting them back out in the feild and coming back another day. There are so many trainers, coaches, riders, what-have-you out there that believe this method creates a horse that 'figures out the system'. Honestly, I have not seen this. When we are willing to work with the horse, on the horses' terms, we are seeing equine partners that are willing to display what they are feeling, so some days, just like in us humans, they wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Wouldn't it be nice if someone was willing to just put you away when you where like this? It would sure make me want to come back more the next day. So instead of pushing, learn to step back. Create a safe environment for you and your horse, by learning simply to say ok.
I'm not saying this is easy. As riders moving into this we come with a lot of 'this is my horse, I pay for him, he should do what I want'. It takes a lot to move past that. Your Ego, it'll take a blow, so will your pride, but then again, I think the horses would probably prefer if we chose to simply not bring that around. It really is the first step of the journey, and as they say; The First Step is Always the Hardest.

Learning to Define Yourself

On yesterday's post's note, I can definately understand where Scoob is coming from. I went through the same thing, heck, most days I am still going through it. How do I define me? My first answer with the horses is always, "well, Whats their personality?" That's a good one, I did that. I came out Macho Man, that is DECA. Now when personality typing your horse, or ourselfs, we need to remember that each letter comes in different qualities. For me, my 'D', or dominance, is somewhere around a 3 or 4 out of 10. I'm not a supre high D, meaning I don't have so much of the fighting compulsions. Heck yes I still fight, but it takes a little longer to get me there. I'm the same level for 'E' or energy. I've got some get up and go, but usually I'm pretty mellow. My Curious came back as a 7/10. I can understand that. I'm a pretty high curious most days. I get into everything, I want to experience everything, I want to see, hear, touch and feel it all. My Aloof came back as a 5/10. Midway. Not bad.
So now the thing that I'm finding very interesting is deciding whether or not personality traits are born with you, or you learn them. Honestly I think it's both. I know I'm a Macho man personality, but I'm fairly certain my False self, that little voice in my head, is a Boss Personality (DEAA). What can I say, she takes after my mom. She is, after all, the woman who taught me everything. Parts of her where bound to wear off on me somewhere, right? Not to be, disrespectful, (don't get me wrong I love my mom to the ends of the earth) but she can be a little hard to deal with somethings. She's a big D and a huge A (afraid), so like all the horses with these two big traits, she gets a little over-whelming. There's a horse out a Liberty, he's 18 hh and one of the nicest horses you will meet. He's just sweet right to his core. But he's a boss with a huge Afraid, and trust me, you don't want to deal with 2000 pounds of 'Afraid' warmblood jumping into your lap. This is not a fun expereince. Dealing with the resident Boss here some days can be pretty much the same experience, really you just don't want to go there. A lot of Bosses are all about control. They have a cocky, almost egotistical air about them. They are strong, strong individuals when they know their job. And usually they're really, really, really good at their jobs. Problems arise when you have two different ideas about what their jobs should be.
So anyways, back to me. As I said, My False Self takes after my mom. She's a DEAA. She resents my curiosity. She wants to work by the book, no questions asked. She's a big Aloof as well and absolutely obcesses about the job, usually to the point where I would come home from work, and dream about work all night, then get up and go to work again. This was a problem, when I had a job I could obcess about. Right now, not so much. I have few duties, and those I do have are very very easy. There's nothing to get attached to. Plus I have to say, learning how to disempower my false self, has really helped this. Some times she gets the best of me and frets and worries, but I'm getting better at just not listening. My question is tho, like all the personalities, what does the back of the tapestry look like? The front is all glitter and gold and good things (usually) but like everything there is the back side, the darkness, the other half of the balance. So is this fretting and worrying I sometimes get caught up in a presenation of the False Self, or is it the other half of my personality? Being Aloof, I do attach to the job, and usually I don't get to feeling frettful or worrisome unless I feel like the job isn't being completed. So maybe it is just a part of the personality. a package deal.
My second question when getting to know myself is, What do I like to do? or maybe more appropriately, What do I want? My answers to this usually vary. Being a high C (and ADD) I need variety. I thrive off of it. I might try something, decide I don't like it, and drop it. But I try not to define myself by the individual activities I undertake. I like the excitement of the adventure. The rush that comes with trying something new. That's one thing I have defined about me. So what else do I like? I like being able to 'control' my life. No longer I am defining myself by the school I attend, or the people I hang out with. I am enjoying this new found freedom, so much to the point that I'll probably never give it back. I'm hitting the open road, so to speak. My D-C comes out in a little bit of resentment for people who try and dictate what I can and cannot do, or for people who try to define me. This is the part of me resents the 'cookie cutter' stereotypes, and has a high tolerance for diversity and change. I think, personally, my biggest want at this point is to simply continue on this journey with 120% of everything I have. I don't know where it will lead, but I do know that for the first time in this lifetime I feel like I am going somewhere, and that has to count for something. Finally in this big ocean I have a life raft. I may not have ors to direct it, but I have faith that the currents will eventually get me where I need to go.  So sit down and be quiet little Boss, This Macho Man's in the Driver's seat for good now.

More on Training From An Emotional Perspective.

So a continuation of Scooby's story. I mentioned in the last post how, when left to think for himself, Scooby (9year old Sporthorse) has absoultely no self confidence. Coming out of the old stuff, it's hard to convince the horses that its okay to make their own decisions. With Scooby this hesitation came with a lot of freaking out. With typical horse training you use mostly negative reinforcement, that is, leaving the horse alone when he/she is good, and correcting them when they do something wrong. Can you imagine the difficulty of knowing you could never please someone because all they can tell you is what not to do? Maybe you go through that at work, with a parent, a co-worker? Now put that into every time you are interacted with... You see where I'm getting with this. Not so pleasant is it? You wouldn't want to be around that person for long would you?
Anyways, back to Scooby. So he's a horse who was raised on negative training techniques. They are his bread and butter, or meat and potatoes if you will, of his training experience. As a result for a lot of the time he thought he was doing the right thing unless you told him not too. This meant that when sacking him out, or starting him western, he was incapable of working through a situation on his own. If he spooked at an object and you didn't correct him, he thought that's what he was suppossed to do. If he bucked when you did up the back cinch on the western saddle and you didn't correct him, he thought that's what he was suppossed to do. Now the thing you must understand with Scooby is that he's a horse that takes his job rather seriously. He's an aloof, meaning he attaches more to the job then he does to you. His personality dictates that he should attach to a job and once he gets it figured out, you'd better just leave him to do. "Don't interfere please, or I may just have to fight you!" So how do you reprogram his brain to the positive training techniques? A lot of sweat, time and tears is one option. My biggest question was how do I let this horse know that his only job right now is defining who he is? It was a lot of doing nothing. Of standing around waiting for Scooby to make a decision. Even moving his feet of his own free will while in the arena was a big hurdle. But now we are at the point where Scooby knows he can express his own opinion, and boy is he taking his job seriously.
On Monday he decided that he needed, more then anything, to switch over to the big herd. He displayed his idea by practically dragging me over to the gate to the big feild and pushing on it trying to get it to open. I told him "Okay, I get it, let's go ask Dessa." so off we went to talk to Dessa. She asked him, got a big yes, and everything was set. However, we needed to talk to Cathy the barn manager, who had already left for the day. Scooby didn't understand that he couldn't go out now, that he had to wait. Horses live in the moment, they don't comprehend our human perspective of waiting. If they need to do something, they go do it, whether it's for them, or for the good of the herd (these usually go hand in hand together). Maybe it's time we all took an example from them and stopped worrying so much about the "suppossed to"s in life and started living a little more for ourselves, and for the greater good.

Training from an Emotional Perspective

How to 'Train' from an emotional perspective. That's been the hardest thing to decide and define. What does it look like? What does it feel like? Can you even really call it training? Honestly, I don't know if I can answer any of these questions. Everytime I try to explain it, it comes out sounding mystical, illusive and sometimes cryptic. I wouldn't say there's any of those things really involved, it's just a matter of you have to experience it to get it. So how do you explain it to other people, to clients? That's the question of the day. Usually it ends up coming out as 'I work for the horse, and on their time.' To me this means taking the time to form a relationship with a horse. Taking the time to get to know him or her for who they are. Sometimes this can be somewhat difficult, especially with the horses that are coming in for 'rehabilitation', as usually they come in very emotionally surpressed. This supression comes out as anger, bad habits, buck, bolting, or even complete dissassociation with their bodies. In any case this can be a very dangerous situation. When a horse has been so supressed, they don't usually know who they are, let a lone what you as a human being can offer them. They have no idea how to define themselves. There is a similar phenominom in human abuse victims. Part of this process is allowing the horses to define themselves. In a lot of cases, especially the dominant horses, this results in the horse becoming pushy, almost over exuberent, in everything he/she does. In the submissive horses they become almost overly insecure. It's two completely opposite ends of the scale, yet all a part of the same journey.
I am going through this with one of my own horses right now. Scooby is a 9 year old Paint gelding, and he is defining who he is. We personality typed him as a Prize Fighter, but that may change as he decides who he is. He originally came to me as a rehab case for bucking issues, and after his owners decided that they could no longer afford, and had no interest in, continuing on his journey I made the decision to purchase him. It's been a very interesting road to say the least. Started late in life, He had spent the first year and a half  of his under saddle career as a dressage prospect. What one would call 'very well trained', he lived in a mental box. His world comprised of riding, he was told where to put every foot, and how to put it. It created a horse that was 'well broke'. After this he was sold to a young girl and started in hunter/jumper training. Again, he was told where to put every foot and how to put it there. Now Scooby is a very dominant horse, after all the under saddle supression he was taking out his frustration in a very agressive manner, on people and also on other horses out in the herd. He moved stables a couple times and his frustration grew. Scooby was also suffering from some fairly severe physical issues at the time and the pain only added to his anger. Shortly after, he began kicking out at people whenever the touched his sides. Now an interesting thing happened when he came to me. I gave him permission to be himself, and he had no idea how to do this. This horse that was overly dominant had absolutely no self confidence when left to think for himself in a working situation. It's a weird side effect for a dominant horse to experience.

Overcoming our 'False Self'

I'm reading Linda Kohanov's latest book called Riding Between the Worlds. In it she discusses the importance of overcoming what she calls our 'False Self', that is the part of us that discounts our feelings, emotions, instincts and intuitions. That little voice in our head that tells us we are crazy, or stupid, or dumb. It's the voice that rationalizes away our instincts and intuitions as explainable occurances. It is that little voice that keeps us in check, and in a constant state of unawareness. I don't know if its possible to completely overcome this little voice, you could say that it's just a part of consciousness, but when I look at the horses that are completely awake, they don't seem to have this little voice that tells them they are limited. Some people would argue that of course they don't, as they don't live in a high state of conciousness, they don't recognize the passing of time, they don't realize the finality of life. I would have to say that I would argue against this. You mearly have to be in the presence of an awakened horse to see that they survive not only at a highly consious level, but perhaps at a level that is even higher then our own. They can easily and readily influence energy and intuitive pathways. They influence us, both mentally and physically, every time they interact with us without our even knowing it. I believe they exist in a consciencousness that we can not even begin to understand until we start to release that inner false self. We must begin to believe in the power of our selves, and believe that just because we can not explain it away doesn't mean that it doesn't happen. They exist in a state where they realize that the finality of live is a part of the journey, there is nothing they can do about it. They know that they in time all things are given back, bodies, energy, and souls. I believe that they realize this...

Re-learning how to 'Feel'

The awakening process is not just about the horses, It's about the people too. I started out on this journey to help me horse, and I ended up helping me along the way. Now I'm trying to help me, and I'm trying to help the horses. I believe that part of this process is learning how to become honest with yourself. A lot of it for me is realizing and acknowledging what I am feeling. It's hard when society expects you to overcome these emotions, to discount them, and to discredit them as a part of life that needs to be mastered. We, as people, are seen as weak or even psychotic if we can not 'control' our emotions.
For me a huge part of the awakening process has been learning that it's really Okay to feel these things. It's okay to react with sadness, or anger, or complete and utter joy to any given situation. It's learning that it's okay to feel all the negative and postive. I Believe part of it is learning to feel these things, but at the same time distancing yourself from them. Learning that they are what they are, and just as time passes, they too will pass. You can't control them, not really. You can try and try and try. Medication, Meditation, whatever it takes, but eventually they will all build up and explode out of you. You wont be ready for that.
It's been interesting, being honest with myself. It's easier as it goes along, but I still have trouble being honest with others. Once you let go of the ego and the pride you don't judge yourself as harshly as you used to. I've reached that point, and perhaps the next step is being honest with others. I don't know if I can expect honesty in return, but part of this is letting go of the expectations. I must have faith that the people who I need to do this with will present themselves when I need them to be presented. For right now, I'm practicing being honest with myself, and honest with my Horses.
Now, First time I did that was... interesting, to say the least. It felt odd to me to be talking out loud to my horse about my issues, my feelings, and a situation I'd been having trouble with.  I actually felt kinda retarded, but that was just my old social mind rearing it's not-so gone head yet again. I felt better after I did it.
Part of this Honesty thing is learning to feel emotion as it comes along. They've been so repressed for so long that every single one is new and intense. I feel as though I almost radiate with emotion, as if walking around in a sphere of feeling. It's both positive and negative. When I'm happy I'm filled with a radiating and supreme bliss. When I'm Lonley, I radiate with a supreme lonliness. I'm learning to feel these emotions, but at the same time not to focus to intently on them. To not make them worse, or better, I'm just focusing on feeling. I am finding myself understanding that maybe I'm not meant to understand any of this other then, hopefully, at the end I will be a better version of my self for doing it. It's all about balance. The perfect paradox of the universe; Remaining so much in balance that one is completely awake, and completely detached all at the same time.

Success!!

What a day yesterday! The horseshow went great, and I can say with great confidence that Arik was the most relaxed, happiest horse there. The equittation class, which was our first of the day, went amazing. Arik was soft, happy and uber responsive. We where given a pattern (Trot down the long side, pick up a left lead canter and commence a figure of eight with your choice of simple or flying changes, return to the judge and halt.) Arik nailed it, I've never had simple changes that where that smooth before. He was so responsive!
Next we had a couple hour break and then a 2'3" hunter class, which wasn't as smooth. I had put his bridle on him, as it is a requirement for hunter. He wasn't jumping all that well, and he ducked out on the #5 fence. I decided after that it was the bridle (we never jump in one because arik doesn't like it, usually using a rope halter, or a hackamore) so I ran back to the trailer and switched to his Hackamore before the next class, which was a 2'6" hunter course. He nailed the course and placed 4th out of 19! Next we had another break, where we watched pole bending over in the western ring. Then came our 2'6" jumper class, He blew the course out of the water, not even looking at the fences that where making older, more experienced horses freak out. We where the first of the class to make it to the jump off, and ended up being only one pair of three who did. After one rail in the jump off, we placed third out of 14 riders. Next came our last class of the day, the 2'9" jumper course. Again Arik nailed the course, again jumping the jumps that had other horses going nuts. (I might mention too, that he had never jumped an entire course at this height before.) Again we where the first team to make it to the jump off (Only one other team made it!). He went clear. I could feel him lagging a bit, so we took it easy, but he jumped his heart out for me and we ended up placing second! It was such a great experience for both of us, and really confirms in my mind that we are on the right path. I think we have both found our passion in the rough and tumble jumper ring, where you can wing it and still make it! We are looking forward to the next adventure!

The Morning of

The Day is finally here. I'm filled with a nervous anticipation, I wonder if this ever goes away? Part of me hopes so, and part of me hopes not. It's just after 5 am, we are scheduled for take off in approimately 40 mins. I've been away since 3:30, unable to sleep.
While attempting to fall back asleep this morning, I expereinced a deep, almost surreal calm. I believe at that moment, in a moment of almost surreal conscienceness, I had hacked in unintentionally to the equine psychy, Or maybe Arik was projecting it to me. I felt a great sense of belonging, of herd, and most of me was suddenly calm, except for the tiny part that was, and had been, freaking out all night long. What can I say, sometimes it is hard to move past all those old pretenses.
So off we go to show today, It doesn't matter if we win. That's been hard to let go of. But Truly it doesn't. We are going to have fun, to explore, to go together on a new adventure.

Come What May

The horses have been in the process of teaching me a valuable lesson. It goes something along the lines of 'Have faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to' with a little bit of 'just relax and appreciate it as it comes'. It's been a very interesting lesson indeed, and might I say, a real breath of fresh air! It's very freeing, going to barn, or going to work with these horses and not feeling like I have to get anything done, or have an agenda, or have expectations, I can just go and be me. And the horses can just be themselves. There is very little stress.
They have been showing me how much they are learning, all on their own, Like one client's horse, who has been learning to deal with his anxiety, and how to develop more emotional control. Last session I was basically along for the ride. He picked the pattern, he picked the speed. He picked the areas that he needed to work on, namely the in and out door to the arena. For a couple weeks we have been having major anxiety when we come close to the door, basically we would come up to it, relaxed and stretching and then we would get to a certain point and he would almost hold his breath and rush past it as fast as he could. When he got to the other side out of the 'danger zone' he would breath a big sigh and go back to working on his stretching, almost as if to say, "Phew okay, it missed me that time!" During this session, he decided that this is what he needed to work on, so he would work himself up to trotting past the door. I was getting very plainly that this was something he needed to do, and that I was not to interfere. (It went something along the lines of 'you're along for the ride now missy, so you'd better just accept that.' ) So away he went, working on working on his anxiety. He would work himself up and go for it, only to decide he couldn't do it at the last minute, then he would circle, bring his energy back down and then try again. (on a funny side note, I had been working with him the previous session on how to use circles to bring his energy level down) Eventually he got himself to the point where he could trot nice and quiet, and stretched down, right past the door as if it wasn't even there. It's amazing to me, just almost mind boggling, on how preceptive these horses are, and how much they WANT to change and help themselves. So much to the point that they are putting themselves out there to try and work through it. It's so so so cool to see that when the force comes out of it, the offer comes in.

The Road Less Traveled By

Waking up the morning after I turned 20, and it hits me. I've reached another decade in my life, another important milestone has come and gone with little in the way of fan fare or celebration, it just quietly snuck by. I awoke today thinking of the last year, how much I have learned about myself, and how much I still have to learn. I was talking with my mom yesterday and it becomes farily overwhelming when I begin to think about the pretenses and stereotypes in society. Perhaps it would be easier to just go along with them, but then that has never been me. I've always chosen the harder road, perhaps it is the challenge that appeals to me, perhaps I'm just overly curious and would rather struggle, concour, get just plain flattened and rise again, then sweep by easy. Perhaps traveling the path less traveled I am giving myself the convidence to say 'Yes, I lived my life. Lived it the best that I can.'
The last 10 years have been a time of trial and error, like I am sure they are in everyone's life. Learning to deal with things as they are thrown at you, and yet still trying to define who you are and what you want. You're a small fish in a very large ocean, full of sharks. You do what you need to to survive, or you swim around and pretend that there isn't a great white ready to devour you around the next corner. For me, this seemingly 'drowning in the ocean' only really stopped once I graduated from highschool. All of a sudden I had me. Just me, no friends, no peers, no pressure. What did I want? What did I need? Who Was I???
The last year especially has been a huge portion of the journey to defining who I am. A rather appropriate metaphor came to me yesterday. I suddenly pictured my life like an onion. There are so many layers, so many pretenses, false presumptions, so many masks and faces that you have to peal back. Eventually, after you peal back all these layers you get to the heart. The true you. Your true self. All things that I had been taught to assume, or told to expect, all the things that I had seen and done are all flying out the window. You have to live, and appreciate each layer as it comes off, perhaps so you know what you do not need anymore, perhaps so you can appreciate where you have been, and now look forward to where you will go. For me the horses are a huge part of this peel process. They have pointed me in every direction, started the process of peeling off every layer.  Some days I feel very... naked... vulnerable. Having to see everything so honestly is not easy, but I know I am stronger, a better person for it. Now I am able to look forward to the next years. Defining who I am, living who I am, truly walking this path I am on.

The Road not Taken
by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as far,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less travled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Yawning; It's Good for the Soul!

Today was a big day in Kolina and Arik ville. This was the first time Arik ever yawned for me. He's never been big on it, and today, much to my surprise, we had not only a yawn, but a yawnfest. Once Arik started, Farrah joined in, and we had a nice, peaceful, stress release.
So, you might be thinking... "Yawning, so what, who cares, they're just tierd right?" In reality it has nothing to do with being tierd. People yawn to get more oxygen to their brains, this helps battle weariness, or exhaustion. Horses yawn to release stress, horses yawn when they are 100% comfortable, when everything in their world is right. Yawning is a huge deal for a horse. It's like the ultimate 'ah ha!' moment, where everything clicks into place. If you have been around a horse and he or she starts yawning, feel honored, feel very honored. Yawning is a step up from the lick and chew, which is a great sign to look for in regards to understanding and acceptance.

Learning To Waltz

It's an amazing feeling when everything clicks. It's like all the stars align and when it's all over and done with you feel so happy that you practically float. These moments don't happen very often, maybe that's we apprieciate them so much more when they do. In riding, these moments are even rarer. Ask any equestrian, trainer, rider, horse owner, the thing I find myself bogging down over is that since starting on this journey, these moments are happening more often then not. It's an incredible feeling, being so in sync with another being, you barely think something and already you are doing it. I experienced a ride like this today, it was one of the few times it has happened when I haven't being riding my own horses. The horse I was riding was a client's horse, 6 years old, greener then green broke, lazy, and quick as a whip. I've been working with her for just over a month and a half. She's inclined to want to discuss things, and every ride we have at least one disscussion, usually more. Now, on a side note, please understand that in using the term, discussion, I do not mean beating the horse into submission, I do not mean kicking, or yelling, screaming, anything. I simply mean it as it seems, two individuals communicating over a certain topic, both offering their opinion, and then coming to a compromise. Usually with this horse it's the "I want to stop, now!" topic. I will start out by saying "Okay, let's trot four times around the arena" and we will start usually getting around once or maybe twice, before the discussion comes up. "I want to stop, now!" "Come on please, let's go." "Now." "Not yet." "Now?" "One more round." "Okay." I mean it when I say this horse is all about the compromise.
Today, however, our ride was about learning how to dance. The steps taught for hundreds of years, passed down from generation to generation, where transforming from short, out of sequence, choppy movements into a finely tuned and choerographed routine. Today we where both equal in teaching and learning. Like the first lessons in anything there where a few missteps here and there, but the all worked into a light, reflexive piece of symentry. Two Bodies, one mind. The walls of insecurities, worries and mistrust fell all around us, and when the dust cleared we where there, both students, both teachers, waltzing.

Oh to be Young and Three

I'd honestly forgotten how short of an attention span three year old horses have. Especially high cusious, overly friendly horses. Getting them to focus for more then four seconds on anything is a feat on it's own, not to mention when you start adding in distractions, noises, other horses, ect... on top of that. But when they do focus, when they willingly come back to you and say, "okay, I'm ready to learn" It's amazing. Even if it only lasts 10 seconds, because treat them right, and the next time it will last 15 seconds.

Entry Forms

So the entry forms for the first show since our new journey began are in. We're keeping it light, and we are keeping it small for the first one and we will see how it goes.
My Rational mind is thinking how ridiculous I must have looked with my pendulum out, asking Arik if he wanted to go to the show, and what classes he wanted to enter. He was enthusiastic about the show, and insisted on entering a 2'3" hunter class, a 2'6" hunter class on top of a 2'6" and 2'9" jumper class. Also said yes to equitation, but to no other under saddle classes. Apparently he doesn't want me getting sloppy through all of this.
Another surprising development occured with Scooby. I decided to pendulum him to see if he had a specific discipline in mind that he wanted to do. Not usually a very decisive horse, his answer came back strong and clear. Dressage, Dressage, Dressage and nothing else. I find this to be quiet interesting as he came from a dressage background, and he came angry and hurting. It's interesting to see that he wants to get back into it now that he is feeling better. I never would have guessed...

Where to Start

Ahhhhhh. Where to start? That's always a good question. I've done this before, blogged that is, I shouldn't be sitting here wondering what I should post and what I shouldn't post. There is no reasonable explanation for this anxiety. What will people think? What will they say? Will people read it?? ....


Then It hits me... DOES IT MATTER? the answer, truthfully, is no. I don't care if people never see it, I don't care if people like or do not like what I write about, because this is my journey. This is something that I need to do. The anxiety suddenly disappears. Perhaps it is some left over trained behavior from high school, graduated two years ago, and only recently has my mind begun to move past the programs and the stereotypes that I never truly believed but was surrounded by every day. Perhaps it is just some left over trained behavior from society. People expect so much, so much in fact that many of them judge you and decide how to categorize you before you even open your mouth, before they even know you.

This stereotyping, this categorizing, is probably the most frustrating thing I have come across in the horse 'training' business. Everyone does it, we are all guilty of it. We are bad about it with other people, with ourselves, but we are even worse about it with our animals. How many times, in the short four years I've been publically doing this, have I heard sayings like "That horse is just mean" or "That horse is crazy" or "That horse is vindictive"? Countless, countless, countless times. The thing that we don't understand is why the horses act like this. Are they emulating us? A lot of the time this is the case. When we go out after having a bad day and our time with our horse makes it even worse, you can probably bet that you're just fighting yourself. Are they in pain? Possibly. People seem to forget that there are other beings out there with thoughts and feelings, and the biggest one, emotions. It's an incredible thing to get the horse owner to see what their horse feels. People have a taught, preconceived notion that animals are just here to serve us, to feed us, to provide for us. It seems impossible for them to remove themselves from that type of hierarchy thinking that puts us on the top and all other creatures on the bottom. And for all the good its done us. We live in a rational world, one where things that can not be explained away by science do not exist. If we can not prove it, if we can not explain it, then it just doesn't happen. There is no Magic left in the world today. Yes, I believe there is still some of us out there that have imagination, and believe, just maybe, that there is something out there that we can not explain, something out there that we just have to accept, and once we do, our lives will rapidly change. I found that something with my horses. I found and still find those things that I can not explain away, I have been awakened and find myself on a journey. I had no idea where I am going. I have no notion or thought of where this will lead. I'm actively participating in going along for the ride.

I have seen changes in myself along the way. This journey is still so new, so fresh, and yet I see them. That proves in my still sometimes rational mind that this is where I need to be. The other half, the half I can't explain, the ever increasing half that is ruled by emotion, and feeling, the side that shows me for who I am in most raw and honest way, is filled with a deep sense of right. After spending my childhood and teenage years never feeling that I quiet belonged, I have finally found a home for my soul. I can not explain it, but it is for this half of myself that I know I am on the right path.

Not I am not saying that this has been easy. It is so incredibly difficult to reprogram your mind. It is so incredibly difficult to renounce society in such a complete and incredible way. I'm not saying I have become a hermit, but there is something slightly hypocritical to me about renouncing everything you have ever been taught, and then continuing to interact with everything that has taught you that which you have given up. It is like the recovering alcoholic who spends his nights in a bar, surrounded by the finest liquor that money can buy, and the liquor is all free for the taking. Well free in the sense of currency. Perhaps not so free from the sense of self, for once you take that first sip, allow yourself to return to that way of thinking, it makes it harder and harder to not take another. It makes it so easy to say, only one more, I can stop after only one more. We all know this is rarely the case. Unfortunately this is paradox of living spiritually in a rationally thinking society. I am not the first to have attempted it, nor will I be the last. This is the difficulties that I find myself attempting to overcome.

When I first began this journey last winter, it was easy, so easy. Natural, right... everything good. I was immersed in it everyday, for hours a day. It was easy because it was just me, my horse, and the people who supported our journey. Now, since my horse has moved home, we come across the biggest obstacle we have faced as a team yet. Retaining our new found selves in a harsher, less accepting world. It's not easy. The hardest thing for me has been the pressure from my family. Since I was young it was always "Grow up, be successful, make money, live easy". And oh isn't it true that money solves all your problems? I will allow it makes things easier, but on the other hand, I've had to sacrifice so much of me to get it, I can hardly see the point. I hold a job, part time mind, four hours every morning, Monday to Friday, summers and holidays off. I make more then enough to get by. And I hate every second of it. But what can I do? I need the money, I can not support myself, or my horses, or this journey without it. And so is the cost of sacrifice. From a more partnered perspective, my horse and I are coming across new pressures. I would love to show, our question... can it be done in this way? Can I put aside myself and my worries, and accept that some days it's just not going to happen. I know there will be a time when we go, and Arik wont be feeling it. Will I be able to pack up the trailer and go home? Will I be able to stand up for my horse and say no to the pressure to compete? Or will I cave? Will I give in to the pressure to succeed? Will I sacrifice everything I have worked towards for one grudgingly given round of show jumping, or one not so willing dressage test? I like to think the best of myself, my mind immediately rejects the concept, but deep down inside I don't know what would happen.

On top of that there is the pressure of schooling. Going round and round and round in the arena, because practice makes perfect. I hate it, my horse hates it, and still we do it. The pressure from the family is incredibly intense from this perspective. Countless times I have heard the muttered "You wont get better if you don’t practice" or the "You need to give that horse a workout today" or the ever dreaded "You need to do something with that horse!" When this happens, I don't know what to say. One afternoon, just recently, I was bombarded with these classic lines. Arik and I where riding bareback, exploring around the yard and arena, just hanging out and having a good time. We where amusing ourselves with the challenge of the step (raised wood box set at three different levels like a podium, you try and get your horse to stand on it) and having fun (at least I was, Arik was going along with it) doing it. When my mom comes over. We aren't doing it right, we should have started on the ground, I should go actually ride my horse, what was I doing just goofing around, how was I ever going to be ready to show if I didn't actually ride him? All valid questions in her mind. I can't blame her.

A year ago I would have said the same thing. A year ago, sure I would have ridden bareback, but a year ago I would have ridden and then picked out everything wrong about it and focused on it. I would have beat myself up, why couldn't I have done better? it was the classic question. I had expectations of myself, I had expectations of my horse, I had expectations on what we would do and where we would go and how we would get there. I had expectations for everything. So is the way we are programmed today. Unfortunately with expectations comes a deadly and toxic negative thinking circle. When are expectations are not met, we do not shrug and say "okay that's fine" we focus on the negative, we focus on why they weren’t met and how they weren’t met. Sometimes we focus on what we can do better, how we can be improved. We go back the next time with higher expectations. When those aren't met we travel on the same circle.

My biggest lesson over the winter was learning to live without expectations, learning to focus on the positive. I learned that there is no wrong, there is no fail. There is just me, and my horse. My horse and I. Two beings, two souls. It never mattered what we did. We had nothing but time. Every trail was open, every window was an opportunity to grow and learn together. We learned how to communicate. We learned how to balance ourselves both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He started to wake up, and so did I. The emotional changes where the most prevalent. I had always been a happy person, joyful, ecstatic, but when it all came crashing down, it came down hard. The biggest hurdle for me was when I watched my first horse Roux be put down. I watched him die knowing that I could do nothing for him, even to this day I think of all the ways I could have treated him differently, how we could have been if I had discovered this path with him. 11 months to the day after he died I got his name tattooed on my left forearm. It is not only a reminder of a best friend it is a reminder of everything I vowed to never do again. It is a reminder of everything I have learned, and a reminder of everything I still need to learn. It was more then just a symbol of a best friend lost.

I do know however, that if those events had not taken place I would have never been set on this journey, not the way I was. After Roux died I was depressed for a while, I didn't know what to do, where to be, how to live. I cried for days. I rode my other horse, Arik, but my heart was not really in it. As time passed, it got better. I enjoyed Arik, with his quirky bad attitude and intense curiosity. He put some light back into my life. I traveled to Europe, something I had always wanted to do. I worked with my cousins unbroken and not so people friendly three year olds. I fell in love with it. Everyday I got up and looked forward to going out to see them. I bonded well with the gelding, he became an escape for me. I had discovered my passion. Going home was the second hardest thing I have ever had to do. I put off plans to go to school, much to my parent's dismay. "Next year" I told them, "Just one more year." I started advertising to train horses. The response was good. I made some money, I had fun doing it. I started working at a stable, I boarded Arik there, we took a few lessons. It all started going down hill. My horse who had liked jumping well enough before now hated even going for a ride near the owner of the barn. I quit taking lessons, I rode bareback and hacked around. Arik got happier. I got more and more frustrated. My mom suggested I look into going to talk to Dessa Hockley, author of "Is Your Horse a Rock Star" she called her, we set up a play date. We took a lesson. We practiced and rode at the other stable. It Worked. Arik started to look forward to our rides, he was more willing and cooperative.

At the end of the month I moved him to Dessa's barn and we didn't look back. We spent all winter in a sort of happy, content bliss. I started running out of money and got the part time job. It got harder to find time to go out and see him. I could no longer spend full days just hanging out at the barn. I made the decision to move him home. I wont say we weren’t ready for the challenge, because we have handled it well, our relationship is still strong, we are still partners. But once I got him home, that nasty reality came crashing down. I got busy with outside clients. Some days I barely saw him, and he was in the back yard. I started hanging out with a boy, then I really had no time. My balance I had worked so hard to achieve was suddenly non-existent. I was drowning in a pool of my own making with no lifejacket, and no boat. I noticed the change in Arik, some days when I had time to see him, he didn't want to talk to me. My happy, soft and joyful partner had been replaced with a sulky, sad, almost angry equine. I can't say I Blame him. I talked to him. I pendulumed him. He had a lot of emotional stuff going on. We worked through it. I will never forget the relief I felt when I went out the first time after penduluming him and he was there at the fence waiting for me, soft, happy and eager to see me. I knew then that things had to change.