On yesterday's post's note, I can definately understand where Scoob is coming from. I went through the same thing, heck, most days I am still going through it. How do I define me? My first answer with the horses is always, "well, Whats their personality?" That's a good one, I did that. I came out Macho Man, that is DECA. Now when personality typing your horse, or ourselfs, we need to remember that each letter comes in different qualities. For me, my 'D', or dominance, is somewhere around a 3 or 4 out of 10. I'm not a supre high D, meaning I don't have so much of the fighting compulsions. Heck yes I still fight, but it takes a little longer to get me there. I'm the same level for 'E' or energy. I've got some get up and go, but usually I'm pretty mellow. My Curious came back as a 7/10. I can understand that. I'm a pretty high curious most days. I get into everything, I want to experience everything, I want to see, hear, touch and feel it all. My Aloof came back as a 5/10. Midway. Not bad.
So now the thing that I'm finding very interesting is deciding whether or not personality traits are born with you, or you learn them. Honestly I think it's both. I know I'm a Macho man personality, but I'm fairly certain my False self, that little voice in my head, is a Boss Personality (DEAA). What can I say, she takes after my mom. She is, after all, the woman who taught me everything. Parts of her where bound to wear off on me somewhere, right? Not to be, disrespectful, (don't get me wrong I love my mom to the ends of the earth) but she can be a little hard to deal with somethings. She's a big D and a huge A (afraid), so like all the horses with these two big traits, she gets a little over-whelming. There's a horse out a Liberty, he's 18 hh and one of the nicest horses you will meet. He's just sweet right to his core. But he's a boss with a huge Afraid, and trust me, you don't want to deal with 2000 pounds of 'Afraid' warmblood jumping into your lap. This is not a fun expereince. Dealing with the resident Boss here some days can be pretty much the same experience, really you just don't want to go there. A lot of Bosses are all about control. They have a cocky, almost egotistical air about them. They are strong, strong individuals when they know their job. And usually they're really, really, really good at their jobs. Problems arise when you have two different ideas about what their jobs should be.
So anyways, back to me. As I said, My False Self takes after my mom. She's a DEAA. She resents my curiosity. She wants to work by the book, no questions asked. She's a big Aloof as well and absolutely obcesses about the job, usually to the point where I would come home from work, and dream about work all night, then get up and go to work again. This was a problem, when I had a job I could obcess about. Right now, not so much. I have few duties, and those I do have are very very easy. There's nothing to get attached to. Plus I have to say, learning how to disempower my false self, has really helped this. Some times she gets the best of me and frets and worries, but I'm getting better at just not listening. My question is tho, like all the personalities, what does the back of the tapestry look like? The front is all glitter and gold and good things (usually) but like everything there is the back side, the darkness, the other half of the balance. So is this fretting and worrying I sometimes get caught up in a presenation of the False Self, or is it the other half of my personality? Being Aloof, I do attach to the job, and usually I don't get to feeling frettful or worrisome unless I feel like the job isn't being completed. So maybe it is just a part of the personality. a package deal.
My second question when getting to know myself is, What do I like to do? or maybe more appropriately, What do I want? My answers to this usually vary. Being a high C (and ADD) I need variety. I thrive off of it. I might try something, decide I don't like it, and drop it. But I try not to define myself by the individual activities I undertake. I like the excitement of the adventure. The rush that comes with trying something new. That's one thing I have defined about me. So what else do I like? I like being able to 'control' my life. No longer I am defining myself by the school I attend, or the people I hang out with. I am enjoying this new found freedom, so much to the point that I'll probably never give it back. I'm hitting the open road, so to speak. My D-C comes out in a little bit of resentment for people who try and dictate what I can and cannot do, or for people who try to define me. This is the part of me resents the 'cookie cutter' stereotypes, and has a high tolerance for diversity and change. I think, personally, my biggest want at this point is to simply continue on this journey with 120% of everything I have. I don't know where it will lead, but I do know that for the first time in this lifetime I feel like I am going somewhere, and that has to count for something. Finally in this big ocean I have a life raft. I may not have ors to direct it, but I have faith that the currents will eventually get me where I need to go. So sit down and be quiet little Boss, This Macho Man's in the Driver's seat for good now.
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